Setting Boundaries with Toxic People

They are out there, and we can’t avoid them… sometimes…

That’s right… TOXIC PEOPLE

Who are they? The liers, the controllers, the victims, the “negatories,” the nasties, the disrespectors, …

How do you know they are toxic to you? You feel it. You feel disrespected, you feel uncomfortable, you feel resentment, sometimes you just wanna punch ’em!

The more important point is that you CAN manage. But it is more about managing yourself than managing them. Sure, they do the toxic stuff, but it is your choice to react to it.

One of the best ways to react is to set boundaries. This means for you to draw the line where you will and will not allow their behavior(s) to influence you.

Here are some tips:

1. Know who you are. OK, this sounds a bit weird, but you can’t really set a boundary if you don’t understand the landscape. Your landscape. What is important to you and what is not. What your values are.
2. Recognize when your boundaries have been crossed. When someone goes over the line, it is important that you recognize it swiftly. As an example, if one of your boundaries is that you won’t accept people raising their voices to you, the moment he or she does is the moment you employ your boundary.

Deal with the crossed boundary. There are many ways. Here are four:

1. Distance yourself. Excuse yourself from the conversation. Don’t respond. Change the subject. Move on.
2. Deal with it directly. Calmly and respectfully state your boundary.
   1. “I appreciate your enthusiasm about xxx, but I don’t appreciate your raising your voice to me in response to my idea.”
   2. “Please don’t smoke in my car.”
   3. “I will really appreciate your not talking in my back swing.”
3. Explanations are not necessary. Many times they just fuel the fire… But if it makes you more comfy doing it, have at it. I’m just saying it may create more trouble for you in certain situations.
   • You don’t have to explain WHY you don’t appreciate a raised voice
   • You don’t have to explain WHY you dont’ want someone smoking in your car
   • You don’t have to explain WHY you don’t want someone talking in your backswing.
4. Prepare for backlash. Toxic people do this. It is not about you.
   • If, or should I say WHEN there is a reaction, it is best to stand your ground.
   • Restate your boundary. You don’t need to embellish. “I just don’t want anyone smoking in my car.”
   • Avoid feeling guilty. You are allowed to have boundaries. It is their choice to accept them or not.

A few last words:

• Always take the high road. Avoid being sucked into childish behaviors.
• Avoid trying to “teach a lesson” to the toxic person. It is not your job. Instead, manage its impact on you.

 

Sometimes these situations are really tough. I don’t want to imply that they are easy. The strength is in you believing in YOU.

This will enable you to honor what is important to you, and move on with your life.